Thursday, December 20, 2012

My Mind is a Fun Place...but You Wouldn't Want to Live There!

Is it possible to live without fear of any man as we are encouraged to do?  Sure, it is. 

But the Mayo-Monster may still get you.  It's not really a man and I just heard of him today. Pardon me but LMBOSHIAFOOMCAHMKA!

(Translation:  Laughing my butt off so hard I almost fell out of my chair and hurt my knee again.)

Because I've been imprisioned, for the most part until my next appointment, I have been SO glad to see other people, it's bordering on insane behavior.  I almost wet myself when someone knocks on the door.  (I'm a little a chihuahua.)  When I'm "released" for appointments, I get excited as a puppy (Wanna go for a walk, girl?) and I become that annoying person who wants to talk to everyone.  They won't let me lick them.  Not that I've tried.

Remember this as you are working your job today, or whenever.  We say to ourselves, if only it weren't for this place I have to show up to everyday for pay (Ew.), I could be so much more creative!  I could crochet HATS, clean out a closet, start a business, write the Great American Novel, and I could get so much DONE!  If only I were independent of time and finances and the Master/Mistress of my own life! Then, you wake up back in your cubicle, wipe off the drool, and reapply your lipstick.  Well, guess what?  NONE OF THAT IS TRUE.

I'm so, so sorry to have to break it to you so abruptly.  If I don't do it, who will?

You would be surprised what takes over your life! It ranges from those who are still working to those pesky phone calls, texts, and internet searches for hair tutorials and kittens scaring dogs videos.  Forget about your entire day if you make the error of clicking your television on to check the news or weather.  Let's be real here with each other.  We all know it's just a gateway drug for talk and cooking shows, and lead to the hard stuff, CourtTV. 

Meanwhile, you've got little kids who are fussy about being little kids.  They have no bills, no job, no mortgage, no responsibilities, and no one but the parents on their backs.

Nap?  I DON'T WANT A NAP! And you would LOVE a nap in the middle of the day as a grownup.

(Child) I WANT A COOKIE! Can't have it.  You'll ruin your dinner. 

(Adult) I WANT A COOKIE! Can't have it.  You'll ruin your hips, plus it's made with sugar and high fructose corn syrup.  And it also has food coloring that causes cancer.  And it's very low in fiber.  Crap on a low-sodium organic non-wheat cracker...just hand me the friggin' bottle of water!  Can I get a slice of lemon over here, please?

Go to school and color and debate the proper way to draw the Sun (it's a 3/4 arch in the corner of the paper with a smiley face and shooting rays!), have a story read to you, play outside on the swings, then take a 3 month 'vacation' from it.  Who wouldn't love that as an adult?  Seriously?? 

As a friend and I were discussing this earlier, they don't know how good they have it. 

Her only fear as a child was of the Mayo-Monster.  She will not eat it mayo to this day.  Apparently, his Modus Operandi is to wait until everyone is asleep, enter the fridge, and vomit into a jar of mayonnaise.  I know.  I don't get it either.  I love mayo.  Where was I, again?

Oh, yes.  My daughter stopped with the Trix-addiction after having 'unswallowed' the lovely candy-colored morsels as a child.  She found out the hard way, they aren't for kids. She can't look a rabbit in the face.  In fact, she's a vegetarian.

What's with the hurling connection to childhood fears? 

For me, it's cold spaghetti in tomato sauce.  My cousin, Linda, will gladly explain why.  Let's just say it involves scarfing it down to make HER sick, then jet-propelling it throughout the family homestead.  It's not a pretty story, or image.  I still like spaghetti. Yum. Spaghetti sounds good right now. Didn't stop me!

I was going somewhere with this...really. 

Snap!  I get it! I'm lonely!  I'm not bored.  Only boring people get bored.  Everyone is out doing their thing, living life, and feeling groovy.  Hubby's out running errands or working.  I'm contemplating my navel.

I'm not really doing that.  That would be gross.  However, have you ever laid (lain? layed? lied?) on your side in bed, closed one eye and tried to focus on your nose?  If you get a good view, you can make your nostril move and it looks like it belongs to someone else.  Now, THAT is time spent productively, my friends!

Sigh.  Gifts are wrapped, packages sent, tree is up, house is decorated, food is ordered, Fa-la-la.  I have saved one last task to make myself seem productive this season.  The cards have not been sent yet.  They haven't even been signed and addressed. I haven't even opened the ones we've received yet.  My reasoning is this:  Everyone will remember ours (wink-wink).  They'll arrive right around New Year's Day.  See?  I'm using my noggin for something besides a hat rack. 

Oh, hats.  I'm supposed to be crocheting a hat and making tamales. 

Postscript:  I do not drink or do recreational drugs just in case anyone is curious.


  1. YESS!!!! MAJOR ACCOMPLISHMENT OF TODAY: MAKING IT TO THE BLOG!!:)still can't eat Mayo. smh...I'll get there one day..but Hi Mrs. S!! Thanks for a wonderful evening of fine dining, and entertainment!!I still can't get my mind around ROPE, my gosh O.o!!LOVED IT!! My mom says thanks for the lovely and thoughtful gifts!! WE LOVE you and the hubby!!

    1. AH! Vacation sleeping hours! I'm so glad I asked u about the mayo before you left because I've been giggling about it since and KNEW I had to mention's just too funny! Thanks for hangin' out with me and my motor-mouth! We'll have another movie afternoon, soon! Love and blessings to you and your family!


Thank you so much for taking the time to leave your input. It is assured that all comments are read and considered. Have a blessed day!